So many of us have such a range of issues concerned with sex that it is perhaps unsurprising that we 'fast track' the experience with the use of drugs. Perhaps it was always the case, with alcohol, weed, pills, poppers and other substances.
In the 21st century however an entirely different relationship between sex and getting 'out of it' was developed, first with mephedrone, leading into G and culminating in crystal meth. These drugs, often used together in a sexual (or sexually inspired) environment is what we think of as Chemsex.
Many people create a great many opportunities for sex and as a result tend to be particularly adventurous! Non regular, non 'vanilla' sex is often referred to as 'fetish' or 'kinky'. The availability of the above 'chems' combined with an explosion of very explicit porn has brought fetish sex into many people's lives.
But how do we deal with going sober at the same time as having a rewarding life of kinky sex?. Many of us associate the disinhibition from the drugs as a necessary requirement for disinhibition in fetish sex. So how do we do it?
Most importantly. This can be done!!
1. FIRST THINGS FIRST
It is important that you listen to your own gut if you are meeting someone in early sobriety. We spent years numbing and not listening to what our feelings are telling us. If your gut is telling you that this is not right and you feel weird about meeting a person, then cancel and listen to what your body is telling you.
Your safety and sobriety are more important than any fetish hook up.
2. FETISH OR NOT TO FETISH, THAT IS THE QUESTION
When practicing sober fetish you have to ask yourself whether you were into fetish before chemsex or did you find fetish in chemsex? This will determine how difficult it might be splitting the drugs from your fetish interests. This is not to deter you, but more to give you a clear idea of how much work that might be ahead.
If you are a fetish person who found drugs and it now intertwined with your fetish life, it will take time to split the two. In some cases, depending on the severity, it can be advised to actually have a break: three months up to 2 years, this is not a medical fact but more out of other addicts’ experiences.
If you are someone who found fetish in chemsex/drugs, you may need to sit down and consider that the fetish interest you have developed may have been fuelled purely by the drug addiction. You may not actually be into fetish in the way you think. This doesn’t mean you have to completely give up on anything kinky, it’s about finding out what was you and what was actually something the drugs gave you.
3. FANTASY AND REALITY
Crystal meth as a drug has a tendency to bring out the darker fantasies in people, due to the fact that it lowers your inhibitions. This doesn’t mean that your sexual fantasies are wrong, but as the word says, fantasy is different than reality.
So if you have been practicing some fantasies in real life you’re not proud of, you are allowed to move them back to just to in your head. It’s about finding out what is best suited as fantasy and what is best as reality.
4. PORN
A major trigger point can be interacting with what is known as slamming porn, which is porn where people are injecting drugs. It is highly advised to avoid this type of pornographic material as this could be a major trigger point.
That being said, in early recovery it shouldn’t be looked at as a relapse/lapse or something to be ashamed of.
Further down the line you may want to avoid interacting with this type of fantasy. It would be best to not fantasise about it at all, even if you are just masturbating. As that can fuel the urge to live out these ideas to the point where having it in your head or as a visual aid is just not enough.
If you do interact with this type of fantasy/porn, don’t sit with the guilt if of it. Have a conversation with a person you trust, preferably someone who is also into fetish.
“Normal Porn” or fetish porn is fine, but be careful of triggers in this as well, specific scenarios that might bring up ideas of old behaviours. Also, if you are easily addicted to things, you don’t want to end up with a porn addiction replacing your drug addiction.
5. SEX ADDICTION
As with everything we have to be careful not to replace one addiction for another. Fetish can be fun but you have to keep it healthy. Navigating fetish life if you have an addictive personality can be very tricky; like people who have eating disorders, but you still have to eat.
Keep yourself in check, make sure you are doing and behaving the way you want your fetish life to be. It is okay to take stock, question things and your reasons for doing them. It will keep your sex and fetish life healthy, and in control. You control your fetish life, not the other way around.
6. TRIGGER VISUALS, SMELLS AND TEXTURES
Like with any fetish it’s very much about the visual, smells and textures. As a fetish person it can be very upsetting when the smell and feel of leather/rubber can be a trigger. Being in a particular location or just seeing someone smoking a cigar can also trigger desires to take substances. It is important to not dwell on this: if you keep working at it you will be able to enjoy all these things again.
It will take time; it will be frustrating, and you might want to give up at some points. But it is important to realise that it is possible to get all this back. It is about being honest and transparent. It is about taking small steps: wearing a pair of leather jeans at home; putting your favourite piece of rubber on or talking to someone you trust about what’s going on in your head.
There is absolutely no shame in any of this.
7. FETISH BARS / PUBS / CLUBS
When trying to dip your toe into going out on the scene: make sure you have a safety net.
It’s about your gut feeling, are you ready to go back to that bar or club you used to go to? Be honest with yourself: if you are not ready it is not a problem. It will still be there; fetish life doesn’t stop because you’re not there.
If you are ready to go back to enjoying fetish in a club setting, plan it well. Talk to a small group of friends you want to go with. Maybe have one other sober person in that group with you, who you can check in with, who will completely get where you are at. If you do not have that kind of friend, there are lots of groups on Facebook where you can reach out for support at an event. Most former addicts are always willing to be somebody’s support. We don’t get our life back without the help from others.
If at any point you feel uncomfortable whilst you’re there, there is nothing forcing you to stay. You are allowed to leave if you are feeling triggered or uncomfortable. If you have to leave there is no shame in this, the fact that you tried is a major step in the right direction.
Things that could trigger you in a bar/pub/club:
- Seeing a person you used with
- Standing in a queue for the bathroom
- or seeing others who are high.
But this can be very individual, it can surprise you what will trigger you and it is important to check in when this happens.
8. INHIBITIONS
Sometimes it can be hard to be honest and open about what you want and how you want it as chems/drugs have helped you with this in the past.
You want to be getting piggy, like you used to be. But living out this sober, can be really hard.
So, communicate a lot with your partner/partners: being sober means you're in control like you weren't with chems/drugs, so ensure you and your partner/partners are comfortable with that control. By having an open and really honest dialogue about what you want and what you're feeling.
Talk your fantasies through and tell them what you would like to happen but as with everything you can tap out if it doesn’t feel right.
9. FIST - 'I CAN'T TAKE A FIST WITHOUT CHEMS
Many times chems just overrides the techniques needed for taking a fist, as does poppers to some extent.
It is about being able to relax. Chems/drugs cuts out and dulls all the noise, so having to learn how to relax (mentally and therefore physically) may be something you will not be used to.
Coping with the feelings of stretching and other sensations. We're mostly hardwired to only feel sensations in our rectums when something is wrong. Chems/drugs were cutting that out so you will have to learn to not interpret every sensation as a warning sign.
All you should focus on is creating a space where you can relax, both in you and you're behind.
You have to believe that you can do it. So many have it hardwired that they can only take a fist with chems/drugs; they give up on working toward taking one sober very easily.
Engaging someone to fist you sober is very different than when high. So make sure you like them, take the time to speak to them and feel at ease with them and make sure you desire them: it's hard to fake that sober.
Something that can help you focus and cut out the noise is to picture your hole as a ring and visualise it getting bigger and sliding over their hand(s) while deep breathing. Cuts out a lot of the noise when practicing it is all about BREATH, BREATH, BREATH!
This can sound boring, but it honestly makes the biggest difference to engage slow breaths.
And be prepared to take things slow and things take longer to relax than on chems/drugs. It may take longer to learn to relax, but the skill will stay with you.
Be prepared to be overwhelmed!
Many former chems users who take fists sober have to tap out as it’s just too pleasurable and they're feeling way more pleasure than they're used to. Again, that takes time and practice.
Taking a fist is hard work and you really have to want it: a lot.
Most of the advice in this section can be used over all in your fetish and sex life.
10. I STOPPED DRUGS, NOW WHAT?
It is not for us to tell you not to drink alcohol or use poppers, but don't replace one thing for another, as said before.
Don't start relying on booze or using poppers so you can relax in a scene with a person/persons. They will just set back your progress of learning to enjoy your fetish life again, what it feels like and how to take control of those feelings, so you can channel them into a great fisting experience, BDSM or just a good fetish session. Doing it all with a completely clear head will benefit you much more in your learning/relearning the joys of your fetish, your body and all the sensation you can experience.
* We want to thank Ralf Rasmussen very deeply for his courtesy allowing us to use his document, written by VikingInLdn on Recon (*Fist - 'I can't take a fist without chems’ - Mostly written by Diesellite on Recon)
GLOSSARY:
BDSM: An overlapping abbrevation of Bondage and Discipline (BD), Dominance and Submission (DS), Sadism and Masochism (SM).
FISTING: The act or art of putting a fist in an ass or vagina, very popular practice among more evolved (kinky) gay men. It requires great care and huge amounts of lubrication
FETISH: A form of sexual desire in which gratification is linked to an abnormal degree to a particular object, item of clothing, part of the body, etc.
KINKY: Relating to, having, or appealing to unconventional tastes especially in sex
ROUGH SEX: Very vigorous sex for people who like pain, but aren't into the really kinky. It may involve hair pulling, ass-slapping, biting etc.
SM: The abbreviation of Sado Masochism. A sexual act involving two or more participants whom having overwhelming amount of desire to either sexually torture others or be sexually torturesby others. Also associated with BDSM.
