I WAS USING CHEMS TO DEAL WITH PREMATURE EJACUTULATION
One of the reasons why I had been used chems was to deal with premature ejaculation. Drugs helped with that but affected all the other areas in my life, so carrying on using them to cope with that problem couldn’t last forever.
After getting keyworking support, once my drug use was under control, I got put in touch with a psychosexual therapist. We had 12 weekly sessions. Having independently researched, I had a sense of what the causes were, and felt initially that I had a rough idea for what the road map for the therapy sessions would be. However, I was completely wrong, and David explored a great range of issues with me, relating of course to sex, masturbation, porn, but also to love (romantic and otherwise), affection, relationship history and how I can identify what I feel I need out of sexual and romantic encounters. The therapy was much more revolutionary that I anticipated, and now with the therapy over, I feel I have moved on in terms of what I feel I want and need. As with the peer mentor, it's clear that Controlling Chemsex aren't just endorsing anyone, but rather they are co-opting really professional, skilled and knowledgeable people who clearly have a genuine commitment to help people improve themselves.
MY ISSUE IS MORE ON SEXUAL PSYCHOLOGY INSTEAD OF CHEMS ITSELF
For years, I was struggling with my chemsex craving and excessively glorifying chemsex chat on Grindr/Planetromeo, despite having boyfriend. I thought chemsex was the only way for me to feel satisfied again. Though after having the thought, I would mostly feel guilty, anxiety and shameful, assuming people might think I don't deserve to be around them. I isolated myself and avoided interaction with people. At the same time, I have been going through many big changes in my life and losing faith which causing me identity crisis. I was losing the sense of who/what I am. I don't know my position in society. Idea of apostate is social suicide among my family and relative who are very religious. Being gay is already not accepted. Being gay and apostate are even worse. I feel fearful, doubtful and lonely. This has also been adding to my social anxiety.
I am so glad that you responded me on Grindr. You could easily understand the chemsex problem I was going through. After several keyworking sessions, I was directed to focus on improving my sexual psychology, as my issue is more on sexual psychology instead of chems itself. This idea drastically changed the way I see myself. Realizing that I actually don't depend on chemsex has reduced the shameful and guilt feeling. No more chemsex thought. I am not so eager checking out Grindr anymore. The therapist had been very helpful to help me to dig my sexual life in the past until today. I started sex on very early age, years before I knew sex itself. I never had sex education. It is sad to know that there was no one to ask of what I am allowed/not allowed to do or what others can/can't do to me sexually. As no guidance, my sexual activity became compulsive and chems arrived. I carried big secret alone at very young age. Getting older, my sexual activity became more and more compulsive. I felt more shameful and dirtier. I live with several sides of me (normal side and dark side). My therapist suggested me to begin to learn to integrate and embrace myself as one. It takes time to recover my sexual thought to normal and get to know/familiar with my body again. Luckily, my boyfriend has always been there for me. I always told him everything.